Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Live Blogging the Republican Convention

-Laura Bush is introducing her husband, who is "gonna be 'pearing lave via satuhlat fr' th' Whaht Has."

-First lady mentions that her husband has:

...enabled millions of HIV positive Africans access to retroviral drugs. This is true. He has done that. Ask Bono.

...given 50 million people the chance to "live in freedom" in Iraq and Afghanistan. To paraphrase Mandy Patinkin: You keep using that word, "freedom". I do not think it means what you think it means.

...kept Americans safe. That's a funny way to put it. Because, actually what he has done is go and kick a big ol' hole in the hornet nest with his cowboy boot. And our children will feel the effects of that. Think about how many 5 year old boys there are in Iraq who knew little about America and cared even less before George Bush started bombing their neighborhood and killed their family. But now those little boys will dedicate the rest of their lives to their vengeful hatred of America.

-I'm not kidding you, nearly every other person in the hall is wearing a cowboy hat. Seriously.

-Still no sign of a black person.

-There are signs everywhere that say "Country First". You know what would be really ironic? If during this very convention, the New York Times were to break a front page story revealing that the "Country First" Vice Presidential nominee was a former member of the Alaskan Independence Party, which aims to secede from the United States and possibly join Canada.

-Oh, there's a black guy! Wearing a cowboy hat.

-Here's W... Riotous applause goes on for fifteen seconds.

-"If the Hanoi Hilton couldn't break John McCain's will to do what is best for his country, you can be sure the angry left never will." Awesome. Extra points for the comparison of the Viet Cong to the Democratic Party.

-Cindy McCain loved that one. Her expression almost changed.

-W. talks about how John and Cindy McCain have so many kids, including an adopted one, and how McCain knows that "human life is fragile, that human life is precious, that human life (big smirk and cartoonish furrowing of the brows) MUST BE DEFENDED." Now, this is a fascinating statement for two reasons. First, of course, there's the mandatory pro-life declaration that has to be made every fifteen minutes during the convention (not to be confused with the obligatory detailed re-telling of John McCain's POW experience, which must occur every half hour). But it's also amusing that Bush references the adopted McCain baby, who is Bangladeshi. You might recall that George W. Bush's own campaign smeared John McCain in the 2000 primaries by referring to McCain's adopted daughter as his "illegitimate black child".

-I'm close to coming up with a sweet joke about Barbara Bush, Cindy McCain and their pearl necklaces.

-W. refers to his "tax relief" that he "knows John McCain will make permanent". Relief, as in "Thanks to McCain's tax relief, I was finally able to add a helicopter pad to my yacht."

-Oh shit! Reagan Tribute Video! Really?! Haven't they been doing these at every convention since '88? Says that Reagan put "country first" and was a "maverick" The phrase "Like Lincoln, Reagan..." is used.

-And now, ladies and gentleman, former Senator Fred Thompson. He's not a real leader, but he plays one on TV!