Friday, April 24, 2009

Christopher Hitchens vs. Waterboard

In case you are still undecided as to whether or not waterboarding constitutes torture:

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

On Teabagging

Ah, irony. Every single person at these rallies is going to get a fat tax cut. And their jobs back.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Experts in co-op and condo needs since 1972?!

You remember when Michael Jordan would do something that seemed physically impossible, some crazy triple-pump, spread eagle slam dunk from the free throw line? Everyone would stand around with their mouths open, going "I can't believe you can be good enough to pull off that kind of shit." Well, that's pretty much what's happening here:

That's Patricia Clarkson and Amy Ryan.

Thanks to Tim for this one.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

or "Sorry to hear you contracted Lyme disease"

This Valentine's Day, nothing says "I love you" like the diamond tick pendant.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Guyland Leday


It's just a matter of time before the entire Dave Matthews Band shows up on Guyland's doorstep with gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

O's new ride

That is the shit.   It's almost an Escalade.  Those rims, all the chrome on the grill.  And bomb-proof.  You know Sean Combs is on the phone right now trying to get one in cream.  I love that it just looks like the car Barack and Michelle should be rolling in.  George W. Bush with his ridiculous pretend cowboy hat could never make this car work.  It's too stylish.  And look, super cool black guys must have sweet cars.  It's American tradition.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Fischerblog Endorses:
Harry Lennix as Barack Obama

Hopefully it will be a few years before the first Obama bio film rolls out, but when it does, Harry Lennix is the guy for the job.  It's uncanny.  He already played the president of Zion in "The Matrix", and was on Broadway in August Wilson's "Radio Golf", playing a politician running to be Pittsburgh's first black mayor.  And he's not Will Smith.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Sasha Obama owns our asses

You know Sasha is going to be the breakout star of the family.  She clearly has a plan.  She knows that she's got to play the game for a while.  But come on, everybody always knew that Beyonce was going to eventually bail on Destiny's Child and go solo.  I'm just saying.
This is Sasha going to her first day of school, which would be adorable no matter what it looked like.  But the little Kilroy pose she's throwing here attains a level of cuteness that America hasn't seen in the White House since this:

And that's the "Stairway To Heaven" of White House cuteness.  But the under-the-desk move was the cutest thing John-John Kennedy ever came up with in his entire career.  Sasha already topped that when she grabbed the mic from her mom at the Democratic convention and started repeatedly shouting "Hi Daddy!" at the video image of her father.  And girlfriend hasn't even moved into the White House or gotten that puppy.  

You can't really look at this photo of Sasha for too long without laughing through tears. She's in her armored limo,  looking at her new school through three inches of glass and you can see about a million different emotions in those little eyes.  My chest hurts.  I'm really not equipped to handle this much cuteness.  And I spend about four hours a day searching You Tube for videos of kittens yawning.  But Sasha Obama's shit is almost too intense for me.  It's crippling.  Point is, Sasha owns us now.  She'll be able to go completely Dick Cheney on the American people and we'll all be powerless to stop her because she'll look so fucking adorable skipping around with the nuclear football handcuffed to her tiny little wrist.  

Thursday, October 16, 2008


These robocalls began the day after the third presidential debate:

...and paid for by this guy:

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

David Mamet wrote the debate script

(Excerpted from actual transcript of the second presidential debate)

McCain: You know, my hero is a guy named Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt used to say walk softly -- talk softly, but carry a big stick. Sen. Obama likes to talk loudly.  In fact, he said he wants to announce that he's going to attack Pakistan. Remarkable.

Obama: Tom, just a...

Brokaw: Sen. McCain...

Obama: ... just a quick follow-up on this. I think...

McCain: If we're going to have follow-ups, then I will want follow-ups, as well.

Brokaw: No, I know. So but I think we get at it...

McCain: It'd be fine with me. It'd be fine with me.

Brokaw: ... if I can, with this question.

Obama: Then let's have one.

Brokaw: All right, let's have a follow-up.

McCain: It'd be fine with me.

Obama: Just -- just -- just a quick follow-up, because I think -- I think this is important.

Brokaw: I'm just the hired help here, so, I mean...

Obama: You're doing a great job, Tom.  

Look, I -- I want to be very clear about what I said. Nobody called for the invasion of Pakistan. Sen. McCain continues to repeat this.

What I said was the same thing that the audience here today heard me say, which is, if Pakistan is unable or unwilling to hunt down bin Laden and take him out, then we should.

Now, that I think has to be our policy, because they are threatening to kill more Americans.

Now, Sen. McCain suggests that somehow, you know, I'm green behind the ears and, you know, I'm just spouting off, and he's somber and responsible-

McCain: Thank you very much.

Obama: Sen. McCain, this is the guy who sang, "Bomb, bomb, bomb Iran," who called for the annihilation of North Korea. That I don't think is an example of "speaking softly."

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Tina Fey couldn't write this

Let's say that you're trying to make the case to the American people that your ass is qualified to hang on to the nuclear codes. When someone asks you a fairly straightforward question such as "What newspapers do you read to stay informed?", you should just give them a name. It's not like you haven't already said things on record that were proven to be lies (See "Bridge To Nowhere"). So the problem is clearly not that you are incapable of bullshit. You actually seem to be quite good at it. Which is why this clip sends my head spinning, Sarah Barracuda. Just give Katie Couric the name of a newspaper, any newspaper. Blurt out "USA TODAY!" or "WALL STREET JOURNAL!" or "CARIBOU FIELD DRESSING WEEKLY!" How is anyone going to prove that you haven't read it? But what chills my bones like a polar bear that's fallen through the melting ice cap is the fact that The Barracuda can't even come up with the name of a single newspaper that she's even heard of. Katie Couric asks her THREE TIMES for the name of a publication, and all Palin does is continue to chirp on inanely in her trademark non sequitur defense about how the media wants to frame her as uninformed. Just give Katie a name, 'Cuda. Any name. Make one up if you have to. Next question. It's easy. Even George Bush would have come up with "The Daily Eagle of 9/11 Freedom Beacon Tribune (smirk)", were he cornered like this. Then, when Katie Couric says, "I don't think that's a real newspaper", you begin ranting about "Gotcha Journalism" and blame the media for elitism. Come on girl, it's basic Republican lying that's needed here. We know you can do better. After all, you keep a straight face every day as you repeat your favorite line about Joe Biden being an old-time Washington hack while you stand next to this guy:

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Live Blogging the Republican Convention

-Laura Bush is introducing her husband, who is "gonna be 'pearing lave via satuhlat fr' th' Whaht Has."

-First lady mentions that her husband has:

...enabled millions of HIV positive Africans access to retroviral drugs. This is true. He has done that. Ask Bono.

...given 50 million people the chance to "live in freedom" in Iraq and Afghanistan. To paraphrase Mandy Patinkin: You keep using that word, "freedom". I do not think it means what you think it means.

...kept Americans safe. That's a funny way to put it. Because, actually what he has done is go and kick a big ol' hole in the hornet nest with his cowboy boot. And our children will feel the effects of that. Think about how many 5 year old boys there are in Iraq who knew little about America and cared even less before George Bush started bombing their neighborhood and killed their family. But now those little boys will dedicate the rest of their lives to their vengeful hatred of America.

-I'm not kidding you, nearly every other person in the hall is wearing a cowboy hat. Seriously.

-Still no sign of a black person.

-There are signs everywhere that say "Country First". You know what would be really ironic? If during this very convention, the New York Times were to break a front page story revealing that the "Country First" Vice Presidential nominee was a former member of the Alaskan Independence Party, which aims to secede from the United States and possibly join Canada.

-Oh, there's a black guy! Wearing a cowboy hat.

-Here's W... Riotous applause goes on for fifteen seconds.

-"If the Hanoi Hilton couldn't break John McCain's will to do what is best for his country, you can be sure the angry left never will." Awesome. Extra points for the comparison of the Viet Cong to the Democratic Party.

-Cindy McCain loved that one. Her expression almost changed.

-W. talks about how John and Cindy McCain have so many kids, including an adopted one, and how McCain knows that "human life is fragile, that human life is precious, that human life (big smirk and cartoonish furrowing of the brows) MUST BE DEFENDED." Now, this is a fascinating statement for two reasons. First, of course, there's the mandatory pro-life declaration that has to be made every fifteen minutes during the convention (not to be confused with the obligatory detailed re-telling of John McCain's POW experience, which must occur every half hour). But it's also amusing that Bush references the adopted McCain baby, who is Bangladeshi. You might recall that George W. Bush's own campaign smeared John McCain in the 2000 primaries by referring to McCain's adopted daughter as his "illegitimate black child".

-I'm close to coming up with a sweet joke about Barbara Bush, Cindy McCain and their pearl necklaces.

-W. refers to his "tax relief" that he "knows John McCain will make permanent". Relief, as in "Thanks to McCain's tax relief, I was finally able to add a helicopter pad to my yacht."

-Oh shit! Reagan Tribute Video! Really?! Haven't they been doing these at every convention since '88? Says that Reagan put "country first" and was a "maverick" The phrase "Like Lincoln, Reagan..." is used.

-And now, ladies and gentleman, former Senator Fred Thompson. He's not a real leader, but he plays one on TV!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Fischerblog Endorses: David Ford

Here are the answers to the questions that you're going to be asking in about thirty seconds:  1) He does it using digital looping devices triggered with pedals at his feet.  He has them all over the studio, hooked up to everything.  2) It took four takes to get it right.  3) Technical wizardry aside, yes, the song really is that good.  The whole album is. 

Friday, May 9, 2008


You're just going to come right out and ask me if I'm shitting uncontrollably today?  And is that supposed to be an ass in the lower right corner?  Really?  Look, I'm just trying to get to work.  

Is it just me, or are these two photos of the same dude?


Friday, April 11, 2008

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Are We Still Doing This?

Really?  Are we still too angry to call yummy things "French"?  You'll recall "Freedom Fries" and "Freedom Toast".  In fact, in 2003, the U.S. Capitol cafeteria officially removed all mention of the word "French" from its menu, after Congressman Bob Ney demanded it.  See, back in '03 folks here in the U!S!A! were pissed that the French government refused to support the American invasion of Iraq.  French officials didn't believe there was adequate evidence that Saddam possessed weapons of mass destruction and argued for more extensive searches by UN weapons inspectors.  Well, nothing gets under our khakis here in 'Merca like not supporting an invasion that we've spent months tailgating for.  And so the streets ran red with spilt Frenchie wine.  Boycotts ensued.  
This man could not get a job: 
Although, come to think of it, that probably had more to do with coke and boywhores than his name.  But I digress.

Flash forward to 2006, and, sacre bleu,  it turns out that the French were absolutely right.  Funny thing about those WMD.  Yeah, not there.  None.  Not a one.  A bipartisan Congressional committee presented a 142 page report to the president that said so (if only he read).  But despite the complete vindication of the French government's position, Americans still don't seem ready to bury le hatchet.   Perhaps Congressman Bob Ney will set the standard and admit the error of his ways, since he seems to be doing a lot of that lately; In 2007, Ney pleaded guilty to taking thousands of dollars in bribes from a lobbyist.  Here's a picture of him sharting himself after being sentenced to 30 months in federal prison:

Cheer up, Bob.  30 months is only half as long as the war has gone on.  Good luck in prison.  Enjoy the Freedom Kissing.