Great Moments in Human Evolution: Led Zeppelin at MSG, 1973

You don't have to be a Led Zeppelin fan to appreciate this. But if you don't think you are a Zeppelin fan, you probably are by association. If you feel any tingling in your crotch when you listen to rock guitar, you have Led Zeppelin to thank. They invented that sensation. And from those tingling loins sprang every rock band you've ever heard of: Kiss, Aerosmith, U2, Guns N' Roses, The Chili Peppers, Nirvana, even Dave Matthews Band and Moby. All are children of The Zeppelin. You might already know this if you watch VH1, but I'm here to make you stop for a moment, bow your head and give thanks for the four mortals: Page, Plant, Jones and Bonham; Men who dared scale the heights of Olympus, stole thunder from the hands of gods and brought it to Earth, so that we might have our asses rocked. And never were asses more heartily rocked than during three nights in the summer of 1973, when Led Zeppelin delivered the Sermon On The Mount of all rock shows. Those three sell-outs at Madison Square Garden remain the gold standard by which all arena rock is measured. Of course, since that long weekend, others have done it louder, faster and with better light shows, but never more authentically. The mold was broken after that three-night stand and everything that comes after it can be admirably derivative at best. Before you partake of the sacrament, some context:

-In the summer of 1973, Led Zeppelin was literally the biggest band in the world, having broken all attendance records across North America on this tour, and taking the world record for largest single concert attendance from the Beatles, when Zeppelin drew 56,800 fans to Tampa, FL.

-They became one of the first bands to travel by private jet when they bought a custom Boeing airliner outfitted with a built-in electric organ and multiple bedrooms trimmed in white fur.

-The track you will see is "The Ocean". Drummer John Bonham counts it off and is incoherent, obviously hammered. But listen to how tight the band is. It's flawless. He can hardly speak, but he keeps perfect time. You can't get any more rock than Bonzo. Throwing TVs out of windows? He did it first. He rode the motorcycle down the hall of a hotel (paid homage in the movie "Rock Star"). His breakfast usually consisted of a ham roll and 16 shots of vodka. He died at 32, suffocating on his vomit after passing out. That is rock.

-Mysterious guitarist Jimmy Page was rumored to have practiced witchcraft. Probably bullshit, but it would explain the endless supply of huge, devil-horned guitar hooks that he pulled out. This dude dreamed up the monster riff. And nobody has ever done it better. "The Ocean" is one of his best. From the first note, it gives you that "jumping off the high dive whilst beheading a dragon with a broadsword" feeling.

-Robert Plant was 24 in 1973. He only cared about three things: "The Lord Of The Rings", conditioning his flaxen hair and closing as much ass as physically possible. The term "Rock God" was coined for him (honestly). In fact, he had recently shouted "I am a Golden God!" from the balcony of his hotel suite during the LA stop of the '73 tour (as depicted in "Almost Famous"). Genetic engineering will never produce a more complete and authentic rock star. He denies involvement in the shark episode to this day.

-Granted, the film quality sucks, but you can imagine what it would have been like to be there, before moshing, before headbanging, before anger became a part of rock. When the crowd just swayed together, flowers in their hair and untrimmed pubic hair in their bellbottom jeans. And now, please don your headphones, rise and behold "The Ocean", live from Madison Square Garden. Rock be with you... (and also with you).